The Type A+ Podcast Episode 38 - The Power of Saying "No."
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Episode Description:
This week, Beth shares how she overcame the fear of saying "No," and why setting small, consistent boundaries has helped her build success and find fulfillment in her business.
Links mentioned in the episode:
Podcast:
The Type A Plus Podcast Instagram
Host:
Beth Lawrence & Company Instagram
Beth will be back each week, delivering bite-sized tips (15-minute episodes or less) on how to optimize your life and work.
Episode Transcript can be found below:
Welcome to the Type A+ podcast with me, Beth Lawrence.
I'm a certified meeting professional, an award-winning event planner, and a classic over-prepared overachiever.
In each episode, I'll deliver bite-sized tips on organizing your business and life, even during your most hectic times.
So, let's get started.
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Hello, welcome back to the podcast. This is Beth Lawrence, your host, and wow, it has been a wild few weeks. I have been extremely busy. My recording with the amazing Amber Jones is finally up after some technical difficulties, but I had a podcast episode planned for last week, and I didn't get to it.
Man Type A+ person having to admit that they did not get to something on their to-do list. Starting off pretty awkward this week, but I know that you'll all give me grace in this. So this week's topic came to be because I posted something on my Instagram about, I used to be so scared of saying no, especially.
In my early years in business, and I have to say that I think five years in is when no one stopped scaring me. I used to be so scared to say no, whether it was to a prospective client or an opportunity to a current client that needed something a volunteer opportunity, to a partnership that even if I wasn't super enthusiastic about it, I would be scared to say no.
And even bleeding into my personal life. I'd be scared to say no to going out on a weeknight during a busy season because what if I missed out on something? Or if I didn't go to this networking event, or if I didn't say yes to this client, will I miss a step in my five-year plan, What if I'm disappointing this person and I'm not leaving them with a positive experience?
Right. And for me, I think there are a lot of different layers to that. I think being a Type A+ person, an anxious person, an overachieving person, and also being in the hospitality industry, always wanting to leave people. Happy and make sure that they, when they leave your presence, they have had a good time and they have a smile on their face.
It's very difficult for me to, think that I'm disappointing someone. And in my research, I found that psychologically overachieving actually comes from a feeling of inadequacy. So for many, it stems from a huge insecurity. And I think especially, this article mentioned a job market fraught with competition.
And I think when it comes to millennials, folks that graduated when I did or after anyone who's who has entered the world or workforce in a time of uncertainty can really feel this acutely, I think. The notion of task accomplishment, accomplishing things, crossing things off a to-do list, offers a sense of your self-worth and honestly sometimes a relief that you are valuable.
And sometimes that causes us not to even celebrate or savor our achievements because we've already completed this task. Now it's time to move on to the next task. And to raise the bar even higher for yourself. You don't even take a nap. You don't even have a dinner to celebrate or take a nice walk, you just move on to the next thing. And it happens on smaller scales. Every time we accomplish a task or send an email, we don't necessarily get a chance to celebrate, but we really should be thinking more about the positive impact that we have. And it's funny because. The craziest thing happened to me. I am the type of person that, because I'm a people pleaser I have that idea of like, FOMO, right? I'm a very passive person usually. I'm very peaceful. Even if little things start to bother me, I won't rock the boat, especially in a work setting.
I come from a family of Quakers, even though I don't necessarily identify with that religion myself, but there is a notion of staying quiet until you have something to say. And so, after years of being a people pleaser in the fall of 2022, I just think that I had enough and I said My loudest no ever, like the Queen, Beyonce herself, I released my job.
I said a giant no to the expectations that were placed on me, both from the job and also, Expectations that I placed on myself that were sometimes even more critical than what was coming from the top. And that was actually an excruciating process for me; not only because it was the first time I had really said no in a professional setting and left a job and chosen myself, but it was also excruciating because it involved losing someone that I really thought was a great friend and an ally and also a community at large.
And so that took a little bit of time to get over. But the craziest thing happened. I think it really points to how resilient we are, even though we may sometimes not feel it. The moment that I said no to that thing, that big thing that no longer served me, I guess those layers of things, right? The exact right opportunity started to present itself to me.
I had a great opportunity with an existing client and I had this new client opportunity present itself to me and... they're exactly what I have been wanting all along, and that may be according to researchers because by eliminating that one obligation, I was able to have time just for a second to sit and be introspective with myself if we're counting.
It was two days of watching only Bravo TV on my couch, but I was able to ask myself, what does that mean? What does serve me? Why didn't it serve me and where did it go wrong and what could I have done differently next time? I was able to really look back and say, okay, there are some times when you could have set boundaries that you didn't, and so now.
I can say no and set boundaries at a higher frequency because I am used to it. I went through that. I ripped the bandaid off. And in fact, an article in the Harvard Business Review actually suggests that you ask yourself what would happen if you stopped striving. What would happen if you took your foot off the gas?
And honestly, in my body, that question feels terrifying. If you are someone who was an honor student, if you are someone that always wanted to get scholarships or be the best in the class, that can actually feel terrifying. But I found that because of my anxiety and the way that my brain works, especially being an event planner, My brain finds comfort in the what if it actually finds comfort in the problem solving, right?
In the identification of the problem. Taking it one step further, imagining, okay, what's a worst-case scenario than that? And what's a worst-case scenario than that? And planning for action in that case. And so it's a really interesting exercise. The worst thing that could happen. And for me, the worst thing happened a few years ago during the pandemic when I was forced to say, okay if I had to rebuild, what in the world do I wanna do?
In fact, just this week I said no to two business opportunities that I was excited about, but they just didn't feel right and I felt in my body a level of stress of, well, what if I disappoint these people? What if this contact is now lost? Does this affect my network? What about the goals that I set for myself financially?
But, I really think that if you find the right opportunity, you want to have the room to say yes to that right opportunity. And if I didn't say no to a couple of different things, not only my job but being partners in different organizations or volunteer opportunities, I never ever would've had the opportunity to fill my calendar with mission-aligned clients that I'm really excited to work with.
By saying no to time out with friends, you're really saying yes to maybe a solo walk for an hour or a yoga class, or laying on yours.
Couch and doing nothing, you're saying yes to yourself and to trusting yourself that you'll know what's best for you at that moment. And the more firm that you get on your no, the more you don't explain your no, the more comfortable over time you're going to get with it. And I think there's also value in really being clear with yourself about what you can handle and about why you want to say yes to things.
Versus just saying yes and thinking about it later. Because resentment happens when we say yes to something that isn't aligned with us, and then we continue to do it because we've said yes and we don't wanna disappoint. And it really festers because you didn't do the work on yourself to create those boundaries and to learn how to say no. Remember that not everyone is going to be happy with you all the time, but you have to take care of yourself and you have to be happy with yourself.
People say no all day, every day. And it is not selfish to say no. Sometimes, you're actually being selfless and taking care of not only yourself but the people around you. By not saying yes to something that doesn't feel like a hell yes.
I hope you have a great rest of your week. We will be back in June with the next Type A+ podcast. Have a great Memorial Day weekend.
The Type A+ Podcast is written and produced by me, Beth Lawrence.
Our music is composed by Dan “Dilemma” Thomas.
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